Dear Future Daughter of Mine

DSC_2319   To my dearest daughter.  Someday you will be able to read this and I pray that when you do you will know how deeply loved you are.  I love and cherish your feisty demeanor, your endearing smile, your infections laugh and your uncanning ability to make friends wherever you go.  I love your fearless nature and your ability to see and replicate.  Your first time down a fireman’s pole at the playground was after watching another older child do it.  Really, you taught yourself to swim.  The other day you saw a kiddo swinging upside down and thought to yourself that looks fun, I think I’ll do that too.  And you did.

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I know that we often clash and engage in many ongoing battles over trivial matters like two bucks locking antlers in a futile attempt to draw the attention of a female doe.  As my voice becomes more stern, your little body stands tall, eyes firm, ready for battle.  At that moment, emotions are raging, both of us wanting to win and have the last say.  I tell others that you are just like your daddy and that’s why we butt heads; when in reality you are me- strong, independent, with a false sense that you are never wrong.  And for that, I love you, though I may not always show it.

12620781_10153776515921043_281174930_oI want to let you know that I’m sorry for those days I lost my temper, for those many times I demanded too much of you, my four year old.  How can I expect you to ignore all the siren toys in your room, calling you to play instead of cleaning your room all by yourself.  I’m sorry for the times I put my wants and needs before yours.  For those times, you asked me to play and I didn’t.  You are my ray of light.  I should bask in your warmth and glow so much more.

12633048_10153776510211043_44175359_oSarah, you are a wonderful girl.  Your father and I are so blessed to be your parents.  You do not realize it yet, but your little brother idolizes you.  Please keep that in mind as you grow older and become a teenager.  No crazy stuff please! Whatever you do Evan will follow suit.  And baby David… he gets the biggest toothless, gummy grin when you are near.  I love seeing you care for him, sing to him, play with him and protect him.  You are going to make the most amazing mother.  I can say this with the upmost confidence.

I am not a perfect mother.  There is so much more I need to learn as well as change.  I apologize now for my past mistakes and mistreatments as well as further misgivings.   I thank you in advance for your forgiveness.  “It’s alright mommy.  I give [forgive] you. I love you.”  Oh what joy those phrases bring to me.  You are the light of my life and I promise that I will be the best mommy I can be.  And when I falter, that means mess up, please love me, forgive me and hold my hand.  Together, with daddy and brothers, we will navigate this thing called life.  I love you bug.12636868_10153776509641043_1530683575_o

Angel Baby Car Seat Travel Bag Review

I am super excited about the Angel Baby Travel car seat bag. I’ve done a decent amount of travel with the car seat and it’s quite frustrating how dirty it gets and scuffed up it gets.  The airlines really don’t care if they dirty or scratch up your car seat. For the price we pay, you would think our luggage and such would be taken care of.  So since they suck, people like you and me need a travel bag to keep our stuff safe and clean.

12669934_10153790605686043_366172983_oThat’s why this bag is awesome. Its big enough to hold an extra large car seat, is made of decently thick waterproof material, has a hand strap as well as a shoulder strap for easy travel and when not in use it compacts nicely into a little pocket pouch. It also has a name and address section so to the bag for peace of mind. If you travel a lot with your car seat I would just leave recommend this item.

12632834_10153790605441043_353480572_o**With that being said, the one drawback I did see was the drawstring doesn’t close the  bag completely. There is a small opening the size of a quarter. I will just use a piece of duct tape to cover it. I received this product at a discount in exchange for a honest and unbiased review.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00OJN7L3I?ref_=cm_cr-mr-title

New Year. New Me. Well that’s the Goal.


DH (dear hubby) has been working out and asking me to make healthier meals for the last few months.  Lucky him-he drops the weight fast.  I do not.  I won’t actually; not until I stop breastfeeding in a year or so.  I could and have used this as an excuse but not now. I’m following the cue of my DH.  So…the other day I made a few goals that benefit me physically- eat healthier (meat 3 times a week) and exercise regularly as well as spiritually.

12508761_10153769054601043_2940194948105945867_nI started with a colon and total body cleanse by #JustifiedLabs.   I thought it’d be a good way place to start.  I got it at a discount in exchange for an honest review. The bottle recommends taking 1-2 a day, no more than 3.  I played it safe and took one a day for 5 days.  It had a similar effect to a stool softener.  The product claimed to “not only remove debris from the lower intestines but also eliminate toxins throughout your entire body. After your body has eliminated these damaging toxins you will feel an increase in daily energy levels and a boost in your metabolism.”  I’ve never done a pill cleanse before so I don’t have anything to compare it to, but hey no negative effects so yea!  Let’s just say things move easily down there.

The next step was to focus on increasing my fruits and veggies and minimizing the amount of meat we eat.  Planning a meatless meal is not easy! I learned that a few years ago when my father went almost completely raw/vegan after receiving a poor medical diagnosis. It’s so easy to pick a meat and add a side.  It seriously requires planning and time searching on Pinterest.  I actually created a meatless meal board on Pinterest.  You can find it here.  Now I feel a sense of pride and “look at me” when shopping.  My cart is full of healthy items like apples, cuties, beets, zucchini, and more.  I love it when my son asks for a ball- code for cutie.  Both kids actually are really good at eating what I cook.  They enjoy green smoothies, Borsht (Russian beet soup), couscous and veggies.  The other day Sarah got herself a snack from the fridge- raw broccoli.  Who does that?  Honestly, I need to be more like them.

12557002_10153769095886043_1926985943_oEating healthier is much easier than exercising for me.  I started the T25 dvd set that I purchased a year or so ago.  It’s freak’n hard.  I wanted to die 5 minutes i.  At 16:42 I almost gave up.  I feel things jiggle that really shouldn’t be jiggling and oh my….jumping post kids is not pretty.  Can we say depends anyone?  But I know I need to stick it out.  My goal is a minimum of 3 days a week.  For someone who grew up dancing and playing sports, even up to my early years of marriage, 3 days seems like a bad joke but you gotta start somewhere, right?

Eating healthier and exercising are great but not enough.  Again I’m taking cue from my DH and gonna work on my spirituality.  I can’t express how impressed with my husband who makes a sincere effort to read his scriptures early morning.  He is the one who initiates family prayer and scripture study and he is always willing to help others.  He wants our kids to grow up seeing him read scriptures, be kind and serve.  I contribute by having the missionaries over often for meals, praying with the kiddos and having spiritual conversations.  But I need to be better.  As a returned missionary, I know how to search and truly study the scriptures and yet rarely do.  My goal- read the blessed books our Father in Heaven left for us to lift and guide us daily.  That means, everyday, I will read scriptures.  The Proclamation to the World, a declaration I fully believe states: “Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children.” I need to nurture their spiritual development! I need to be the example.  I need to be more Christlike.

As a Latter-Day Saint (aka Mormon) I am blessed to know that our Father in Heaven loves us enough to not leave us alone. He has given us prophets today just as He did in the days of Abraham and Moses.  Even today we can receive modern revelation.  I believe that the Word of Wisdom as found in D&C 89:1-21 is modern revelation and that as we strive to live by it precepts we will be blessed.  In the book Teachings of Presidents of the Church: George Albert Smith it reads “He has made us valuable promises, if we will obey this law,—promises of wisdom, of health and strength, and that the destroying angel shall pass us by and not hurt us, as he did the children of Israel [see D&C 89:18–21].”

The Lord has promised mental and physical strength.  I’m all for that!  I swear I’m losing brain cells with each child.  And D&C 89:19-20  promises that as I live in accordance with the Word of Wisdom I “shall find wisdom and great treasures of knowledge, even hidden treasures.  I will be able to “run and not be weary, and shall walk and not faint” something T25 reminded me that I cannot do at this time.  hehe.

So there you have it.  New Year and hopefully a newer and improved me, both physically, mentally and spiritually.  What are your goals?

 

 

Are You Gonna Have Another?

So are you guys done or you going to have more kids? I cannot tell you how many freaking times people have asked me that.  As I smile on the outside, on the inside I’m yelling “None of your damn business!”  I still haven’t decided.  And by “decided” I mean that I still haven’t accepted the fact that Jonny is most likely right when he says he feels like there is another one waiting for us.  Either way, I do not want to talk about it at this stage.

DSC05357Is there another kid of future?  I don’t know, maybe.  But for right now all I can focus on is my life at hand and the three minions I’m currently trying to keep alive.  Motherhood, being the most rewarding and beautiful calling on earth, is freaking hard.  My first two, Sarah and Evan, kick my you-know-what a decent amount of time. Seriously, who would have thought that the newborn would be the easiest?  But then again all my kids were easy until they started moving; thats when it all went downhill.  Ironically, as I am sitting here, I’m listening to high pitch screams as my two oldest push and shove each other over a tiny pumpkin that is still left over from Halloween out in the front drive way. And down goes Evan.  Yes, we are those people.  We buy the pumpkins with every intention to have a great family night cutting up and creating fun creations and then the New Year comes in and the pumpkin is still sitting untouched outside.  It now sits on my counter top, waiting for me to possibly turn it into soup but inevitably it will go bad and get thrown into the trash.  Why am I sharing this you ask?  Just to illustrate the fact that my life is in a constant state of chaos.

Don’t get me wrong.  I love my life.  This is the chaos that I’ve wanted for years.  I’m finally getting a chance to stay home raise three beautifully wonderful, sticky, head-strong children while DH spends his days away from home bringing home the bacon, while attending school and serving at church.  Being a SAHM is a calling I have felt drawn to.  Nevertheless, chaos it is.  Fair warning, if you ask me the following: “So, are you guys done or are you going to have another one?” you may get hurt.  A throat punch, quick and unexpected may be in your future.  In reality, this may not happen but oh if you could see inside my head.  It’s hilarious.  The punch.  The look of surprise, mixed with pain in their enlarged eyes as my maniacal laugh echoes in the background.   Sorry you asked on a bad day.  Today’s goal is short and sweet- survival.

What is survival look like, you ask?  Everybody has their own version of surviving.  My survival looks like messy hair thrown into a bun, a makeup-less face and a comfortable oversized shirt riddled with a variety of bodily fluid and food.  Honestly, between the two older kids morning demands and breastfeeding my youngest, I’m lucky if I remember to put deodorant on for the day.  And if I can make it during the day without what can be  called a moment….I call it a success.
You must know what I’m talking about.  If you are a dad and mom then you not only know what I’m talking about but have likewise experienced it in one agree or another.  For those of you who are confused, a moment is that period/time when you are screaming bloody murder either out loud or in your head.  You are about to lose it; not knowing if you can take anymore.  At that moment, all you want is two inches of space or three minutes of alone time to go poop.  That moment is the thing that drives motherly guilt day in and day out….at least it does for me. 
Alright.  Alright.  I know that I sound like a big whiner and I totally hate motherhood.  That couldn’t be farther from the truth.  I love my life.  I love being a mom. I love my 3 children! 12562884_10153766597676043_2045338791_o-2
I love the pure look of joy, when their eyes light up as they  play together; especially when its peacefully play. I love it when the midgets are chasing each other around the house wrestling.  Their giggles are so infectious that you can’t help but smile along.  I love it when my lil’ man runs up to me with a huge grin, says “mommy” in the most endearing way then wraps his tiny, chubby hands around my legs in a giant hug, then immediately turns away to do the same with his baby brother and sister. Seriously, that kid is a lover.  How can my heart not melt when Sarah hands me a gift bag of her toys and reads me the note she wrote: “Dear mom, I love you so much [insert sweet inflection].  I got this gift for you because you are my best friend.” And cue the tears.  And I couldn’t not mention, the huge grin my three month sumo baby gets when he and I make eye contact.
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Those crazy, unique, little people and my sweet husband are the reason why I love my life and why I love my chaos.  If we decided to grace the world with another Kistemann you will know…promise.  Until then enjoy watching the circus and keep your questions to yourself.

Can Those Dishes Really Wait?

DSC_0423I read a quote tonight by Lawrence Cohen of Playful Parenting that struck a cord.  It read “Children don’t say ‘I had a hard day can we talk?’  They say ‘Will you play with me?’ ”  I can’t count the number of times my four year old inquires this same thing of me.  “Mommy, will you play with me?”  “Mommy can we play a game?”  “Mommy, now can we play?”

Sarah, in particular, will look at me with her beautiful, all encompassing brown eyes.  A look that only a 3 week puppy can replicate.  How cold-hearted I must be to dismiss the pleadings of my princess.  And yet, too often my response is, “Not right now sweetie.” “Mommy’s doing work.”  “I can’t.”  “I need to feed brother, or clean or cook dinner” and any number of excuses.  The most used response: “Yes sweetie, after I [do XVY]” but then I don’t.

“Children don’t say ‘I had a hard day can we talk?’  They say ‘Will you play with me?’ ”  The words sting.  It won’t be long before lil’ miss doesn’t want to play with me anymore.  Is what I’m doing really that important?  More than half the time I would say no, it isn’t that important and yet I don’t stop to heed the invitations of my son or daughter.

Now before you go and say oh no not another “the dishes can wait…savor the moment” article, keep reading and please resist the urge to throat-punch me.

There is a time and place.  Kids need to learn that we are there for them and they are of upmost importance.  At the same time, they need to learn that the world does not revolve around them and mommy and daddy have responsibilities to be met.  It’s a fine line to walk that I am still trying to navigate.  If I were a tight rope walker I’d be dead by now.

What I feel (and again take this with a grain of salt) is that we take the DSC_0408time to play, even if all we can devote is 5 minutes away from the task at hand.  Of course you can always spend more time.  And when we do play with them and notice the disaster that is their bedroom, fight the temptation to stop and clean things up.  I know.  I know.  Easier said than done.  Really I’m totally guilty of this.  I’ll go upstairs with the intention to play, the next thing I know I am cleaning and reorganizing the play room, fixing the beds, putting away clothes, then yelling at my daughter for hiding the laundry I asked her to put away the day before.  It’s not easy but we need to give our littles our undecided attention.  If not, how can we expect them to ignore the waves crashing around them and focus in the future.  Not too mention, one-on-one interaction, conversations and eye contact develop a feeling of self worth and identity.  I read it somewhere on a blog before so it must be true.  *Wink

If in that moment you are unable to stop, don’t beat yourself up over it later at night when you lay in bed and replay all the parenting fails you made that day.  Come on, you know you do it too.  Instead, explain to Adam or Lindsay what you are doing (in terms they understand) and that you love them and want to play but must first finish the task at hand because XYZ.  Instead of feeling bad for putting them on the back burner, smile because you are teaching them responsibility and follow through.

If I may share one last thing, it is that maybe those moments of play are more than simple bonding between parent and child.  Could it be that they are life’s way of teaching us, the adult?  Children are pure, they haven’t been corrupted by the world.  Not many years ago they themselves were in heaven.  During that time of play, try to identify what you can learn from them.  What beautiful gem can you glean from them?  I know that’s what I’m going to be working on this week.

Good luck to you.

Simply Earth Lemon Essential Oil


12400566_10153761329981043_8723120595573687610_nI am an essential oil virgin and trying to learn more about them.  I decided Lemon oil was a good place to start.  I received a 15 ml bottle from #SimplyEarth which I received at a heavy discount for a unbiased review.  The cool thing about Simply Earth is that they donate 13% of the profit from every product purchased to organizations that are rehabilitating trafficking victims.  As an avid Special Victim’s Unit fan, I was ecstatic to discover the company’s charitable contributions to such organizations. In my opinion the product itself is good.  It is 100% pure, non-toxic oil with no additives or fillers.  I do wish that they included a page of ways to use their product.  If you are like me and unsure how to use this product, I’ve saved you the hassle and attached a list from a website below.  I personally used it in my water to promote fat-loss and as a disinfectant.  The scent is quite pleasant. My daughter and I like to put a drop on our wrists and smell it throughout the day.  It’s very calming.  My daughter thinks it smells like Lemon Head candies.  I would like to get a diffuser so I can have the lemon aroma permeate my house and energize us all. I’ll probably use it in my laundry to, because let’s face it when you have 3 midgets to take care of the laundry will be forgotten and sit too long.

Top 10 Lemon Essential Oil Uses from http://draxe.com/lemon-essential-oil-uses-benefits/

  1. Laundry – In case you leave your laundry sitting in the washer too long, just add a few drop of lemon EO and your clothes won’t get that nasty smell.
  2. Teeth Whitener – Mix lemon essential oil, baking soda and coconut oil and rub on your teeth for 2 minutes and then dense as a natural teeth whitener.
  3. Clean Hands – Got greasy hands from working on your car or bike and regular soap isn’t doing the trick? No worries, just add a couple drops of lemon EO with your soap and get your clean hands back!
  4. Natural Disinfectant – Want to steer away from alcohol and bleach to disinfect your countertops and clean your moldy shower? Add 40 drops lemon oil and 20 drops tea tree oil to a 16-oz spray bottle fill with pure water (and a little bit of white vinegar) for a traditional cleaning favorite.
  5. Face-wash – Lemon essential oil uses for skin can can improve your complexion and leave your skin soft and supple.  Lemon oil benefits skin by deeply nourishing.  You can make lemon oil with baking soda and honey for a natural acne free face wash.
  6. Wood and Silver Polish – A lemon oil-soaked cloth will also help spruce up your tarnished silver and jewelry!  Lemon oil for wood cleaning is also great.
  7. Goo-Be-Gone – Un-stick the sticky goo your kids leave behind with stickers and gum with lemon oil.
  8. Promotes Fat-Loss – Putting 2 drops of lemon oil in your water 3x daily can support metabolism and weight loss.
  9. Improves Mood – Diffusing lemon essential oil in the air can lift mood and fight depression.
  10. Immune Support – Lemon oil can support lymphatic drainage and help your overcome a cold fast, mix it with coconut oil and rub it on your neck.

Vitamin C Serum With Hyaluronic Acid


12510850_10153758022676043_1502318986_oRecently I have been using a Vitamin C Serum with Hyaluronic Acid made by Naturel Commodity.  I really like that the serum is plant based doesn’t have any bad ingredients like alcohol, parabens, sulphates, and GMO’s.  It’s also not tested on animals which is why
I was willing to review the product.  I was interested to see if it had a positive effect on my  dark circles and dehydrated skin.  I used it for a week both morning and night. Below are a few photos in chronological order.  What I noticed is that the serum is light and goes a long way.  It dries fast but is a little sticky.  The instructions say to follow up with moisturizer.  It tightens up your face so the moisturizer is key.  My skin did feel smooth and looked younger.  I kind of felt like there was an immediate glow.  As far as lightening dark circles, I have not used the product enough to see a difference but am hopeful. #NaturelCommodity

I received this product at little or no cost an exchange for an honest and unbiased review.12591887_10153757991566043_1630922818_o-212591808_10153757992626043_531526678_o12394791_10153757993041043_1019730546_o12546094_10153757991891043_119833855_o12557104_10153757992251043_1112089475_o-2

Pashoshi Baby Bibs To The Rescue


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I absolutely adore these bandana bibs! #pashoshibaby They are the cutest things I have ever seen and so soft. The fabric is modern, fashionable and unisex.  I am impressed that the company understands that kids are expensive and tries to make life easier by having a product that fits multiple ages by sewing  three adjustable snaps instead of one; not to mention the bib saves lil’ man’s clothes from being covered in drool which has seriously increased in the last few weeks.  I swear he must be getting ready to cut his first tooth.  Oh, I forgot to mention that in the package are two awesome and unexpected gifts:  a pacifier clip and bottle strap.  These have been life savers.

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I’d also like to take to comment on the customer service. After purchasing this product I was immediately contacted by the owner of the company, Jonathan Doron.  He expressed his appreciation for my purchase.  He also let me know that he would be sending me a pdf called 10 Tips For Parents With a Drooling Baby.  A few days later I received an email containing the pdf about the drooling.  I thought that was awesome.  Finally, I received a third email thanking me once again for my purchase.  I am very impressed with any company that is willing to go through this much effort to obtain and keep a customer.

All in all, I am very pleased with Pashoshi.  I see future baby shower gifts in my future.  I received this product at a discount in exchange of a fair, honest and unbiased review.

COR Hand Crafted Genuine Bamboo Sunglasses

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You are going to love these sunglasses.  The second I opened them my husband snatched them away and commented on what high quality they are.  The lens are good quality, crystal clear and slightly tinted.  The bamboo is quite soft and smooth to the touch.  Needless say, my husband is a little jealous.  Seriously, I love my bamboo sunglasses.  They are super cute, light weight and eco-friendly.  Another cool feature is the weather resistant bamboo case it comes with.  In the item description it said that they float in water.  I had to test it out just because that seemed cool to me.  They totally did. If you are looking for some awesome sunglasses for outdoor activities both on land and water than these are for you.  Here is where you can find them: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B011M6FD6G   or simply click here. #CORHandCraftedGenuineBambooSunglasses

I received this product at a discount in exchange of a fair, honest and unbiased review.


Tender Mercies in Miscarriage

Tomorrow is the anniversary of the passing of my second child.  Thank you Facebook for reminding me of mine with that latest “memories” feature.  I’ve been thinking a lot about this, as I do occasionally; particularly around holiday season.  This post is an open and honest expression of the pain, sorrow and beauty that comes with the loss of a child.  I apologize in advance for any tears shed.  I shared quite a few in writing this. Ok, here we go.

This is me on my 29th birthday.

It was a great day.  My husband took the day off, we got to hear the baby’s heartbeat, go get free food at Joe’s Farm Grill and enjoyed family time.  It was a good day.  Everything seemed to be going well; with the exception of morning sickness which lasted all day.

Fast forward to a few few weeks later when everything turned grey.  Three days after Thanksgiving, I was involved in the car accident.  A teenager decided to blindly enter traffic and T-boned me.  It was in a parking lot of a shopping complex so luckily speeds were not high.  I didn’t think to go to the doctor.  Honestly, I was just happy that my kids who are almost always with me were not in the car at that moment.  A week to two weeks later I went for my scheduled prenatal appointment and found out that we had lost of baby sometime around the time of the car accident.  Whether or not the accident was the cause I will never know.  All I know is that I lost something….a part of me.

I remember the horrible feeling, that sad phone call to my husband, every pain, every sorrow, every horrible thought.  I was heartbroken.  Empty.  What made things worse was a fact that I had lost my baby but not passed him or her.  My lil’ guy was still inside of me.  The irony- my body couldn’t sustain life but would not release its mortal vessel.  Because I was 9 weeks and for a 5 days the doctor gave me the option of waiting to let it pass on its own or have a D&C.  I waited weeks and nothing happened.  It felt like it was never ending; like I was relieving the miscarriage every single day.  My husband and I took a turn for the worse.  He was still angry with God and hurt.  Going to church was even harder.  Overtime, I too became upset with Heavenly Father. I needed to move on and couldn’t knowing that there was a lifeless body inside me.  I got to a morbid place where I was literally googling how to miscarry a baby.  I was drinking raspberry leaf tea and doing all sorts of crazy things.  I was in a dark place.

My husband decided to lift my spirits by sending me to see my sister Lindsay and Indiana.  I prayed so hard that I would pass the baby in Indiana so that Jonny wouldn’t have to be there and deal with that.  Plus, I would have my sister to make things better.  And of course the week and a half past without a change. Being in Indiana was good. Sarah and I got to play in the snow, visit the Children’s Museum, and get pampered by my sister.  I was distracted but the reality never escaped me.

My absence had an even greater affect on my husband.  No one really thinks or talks about the husbands and miscarriage.  They should!  Jonny felt everything as greatly as I did.  We needed to be back together.  He needed me and our chukkas.  Needless to say, Jonny was so happy to have us home.  He immediately held Sarah in his arms at the terminal and didn’t let go.154568_10151351149210210_612961063_n.jpg

After getting home I went in for another appointment.  It got to the point where the doctor said it was no longer healthy and safe for me to wait and that I was going to have to proceed with a D&C.  We did not have the funds to go through such a surgery and frankly, I was scared.  I had read somewhere online about some pills that you could take to encourage your body to release the bad.  I guess some kind of abortion pill.  I asked my doctor about them and why he had never spoken to me about them prior.  He said they were experimental and doctors weren’t sure of dosage but we could try it.  So he wrote me prescription and I went immediatly to Walgreens.

It felt wrong giving that prescription to the pharmacist.  I’m very pro-life and here I was requesting these pills.  I read up on everything I could regarding the pills and its often horrific side-effects (labor pains, hemorrhaging and more).  I was not deterred.  I knew it was what needed to be done.  I didn’t want to scare my husband and with the possibilities of what could happen as consequence to taking the pills.  I did however tell my neighbor and ask her if she would watch my daughter in the event of something bad happening and had to go to the ER.  All the online commentors said that I was going to experience horrible cramping and the best time to take it was at night.  That was my plan.  In the evening, I took 6 pills and prepared myself mentally for the worst.  First tender mercy, I was able to sleep.  Such a blessing.

I awoke at some point with some cramping so I decided to go take a bath. The warm water helped and I was able to relax a little.  I remember the silence, the warmth of the water, the salt of the tears and the feeling the smooth porcelain on my hands as I pushed myself out of the tub.  The weight or pressure from getting out of the water released my baby.  I felt so many emotions at that moment.  Those same emotions I feel right now.  My fear and sorrow were briefly replaced with a feeling of peace.   I cradled the little kidney bean shaped sac in my hands and cried, then said goodbye.  I decided not awake my husband.  I did not want him to have to go through any more pain.  IH was horrible. But at the same time is beautiful.  Earlier that day, I had read an article about the tender mercies of the Lord.  I truly feel that He was with me.  I took six of those pills; a higher dosage than those taken by others online.  I should have had a horrible experience and didn’t.

jesus-with-child-lds-scripturesAt that moment, I truly felt that I had experienced another  tender mercy of the Lord in the passing of my little one. Everything should have been so much worse.  Heavenly Father knew that I had suffered for so long and at that time I needed peace.  The blessing I had received earlier that night from my husband came to pass.  In passing my baby I was able to finally start healing.  I needed it.  We needed it after such a long event that racked our spirituality and marital relationship.  Honestly, I don’t think we truly got better for another year or so.
Now, life is good. I am happily married with three beautiful children. I live near my dear parents who spoil my children like crazy.  Have I forgotten what transpired?  No.  It still hurts everytime I think about it or read an article or Facebook post about miscarriage.  The loss of a child leaves a hole that never really gets filled.  As I reflect on my miscarriage I can recognize the love and comfort I received from my Heavenly Father; not just that moment in the bath tub but throughout the entire process.  This particular trial taught me to have compassion for others.  I have gained empathy and a greater appreciation for life and for my family.  That’s what we’re supposed to do, right?  Learn from our trials and become more like Him.  
My miscarriage is the hardest thing I’ve ever been through.  I’ll openly admit that I may have failed that test.  However, I can honestly say I did learn, grow, and gain positive things from it.  One such is a testimony that I have a loving Heavenly Father who knows my strengths and weaknesses.  He knows our pains and sends the Holy Ghost comfort us.  I know I have a loving brother, Jesus Christ, who suffered and felt my anguish in the Garden of Gethsemene.  It is through that sacrifice that I will be able to live with my family again in heaven.  It is through His atonement that I will experience the greatest blessings my Father has to give; that of eternal families. I love my family and am grateful for all my Father in Heaven bestowed upon me; both blessings and trials. He truly is the God of Love.
If you are interested in learning more about eternal families click here or here.  Thank you for taking the time to read this post.  I hope it reaches someone who needs it.